I wasn’t always fat. I feel like that’s how everyone’s story starts when you watch people’s journey or watch my 600 pound life. I wasn’t always fat but then this happened. Well, it isn’t different with me. I’m the cliche, unoriginal story. But yet, I’m here sharing it.
When I was young, I remember vividly being told, “Mickey, you’re fat,” by my uncles or cousins or whoever in my family. They said it as a joke, but I always took that seriously. I cried. I looked in the mirror and constantly asked myself why I could just be skinny. It fucked up my 10 year old mind. When I turned 12, I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and I was gonna change.
So, I stated my journey. An unhealthy one that still affects me to this day. I restricted. I starved. I counted calories. I could tell you the calories in a single grape, strawberry… I obsessed. My mom would make food and I would say I wasn’t hungry. Later, I would heat up the food so she would think I was eating, take a bite then throw it away in the dumpster, hiding it under other piles of trash.
I lost weight. I got down to 90 lbs and still felt like I was disgusting. You could see my bones, but I didn’t care. I wanted more. It was never enough. I was never enough. I began self harming. I had this up and down battle with anorexia until I was 15.
At 15, I had my first binge. I felt so guilty that I allowed my self to eat more than 1000 calories. So I purged. and so the cycle continued throughout my time. Restrict, binge, purge, over exercise, self harm, repeat.
At 16, something changed. I still wasn’t eating more than 1000 calories and if I went out to eat or ate anything I felt wasn’t good enough, I purged. I was very sneaky and hid this from my family very well. They never knew. But I suddenly started gaining weight. So I restricted more. But I couldn’t stop gaining this weight. I cried and cried and finally went to the doctor not understanding how I suddenly ballooned. I went from 90 lbs to 150 within a few months. It was a drastic change for me. I asked my doctor how this was possible. Granted, this was considered a healthy weight for my height, but non the less, he did the blood work.
And this is where the battle with my thyroid began. At the age of 17, I confessed to my family my eating problems. My dad was devistated. He contemplated sending me away for help, but I begged him not to. He put me in therapy instead vowing that if I didn’t get better he would. I got slightly better. I started eating again and dealing with my issues and past tramas. All the while, I still was rapidly gaining weight. I got up to 180, then 200, and so forth.
I had this battle with my doctor. He prescribed me 200 mcgs of levothyroxine, which was way to much to start with. I had heart palpitations, nausea, headaches. I would tell my doctors this and they told me I would get used to it. So, me being the stubborn bitch I am, I just wouldn’t take my medicine. I said, “if no one will listen to me, the screw it all.” It wasn’t the best choice, and in the end, this mentality hurt me more than anything
Fast forward to today. I finally found a doctor that would listen to me. He slowly has upped the dosage of my medicine so my body can get used to it instead of causing a shock to my system. He’s also read the signs and red flags as I spoke to him about my past, my symptoms, etc. He actually listens to me and gave me the official diagnoses of having hashimoto’s thyroiditis. Hashimotos is an autoimmune disease where your immune system starts to attack your thyroid. Over time, your thyroid will no longer be able to produce the hormones your body needs.
I experience extreme fatigue, so much so that some days its impossible to get out of bed. My hair falls out in clumps. My skin and hair are dryer than the Sahara desert. And worst of all, my body hurts all the time.
Today at the age if 28, I sit at 250 lbs. My doctor has recommended that I try a Mediterranean based diet focused mainly on eating foods that aren’t heavily processed. I have challenged myself to 30 days of cooking at home starting today. I will use this platform as a journal of my daily struggles, progresses and goals. I know this path won’t be easy, but I know I can do it.
My diet plan: chicken once a week. Fish twice a week. Lots of fruit and lots of vegetables. And carbs. I can not give up carbs 😅
I also refuse to weigh myself more than once a month or count my calories. While the days are few and far in between, I still have days where I struggle with my bulimic tendencies and, for me, I feel like this is the healthiest path. I plan to look back at this post in a year and rejoice on the progress I’ve made. I want to say, “I did it, I persevered and didn’t give up.” I want to have a healthy relationship with food and myself. I want to truly love myself like I have never done. I want to bleed confidence and happiness. My time is now.