Last night I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned continuously until about 6 this morning. That was with taking melatonin at 3. Usually I take a melatonin and I’m out like a light, but not last night. My body hurt. My thighs felt like I had just run a marathon. I ended up taking a gabapentin around 5, but still no relief. It was unusual.
I try not to take gabapentin because I know it can be an addictive drug. In my past, I have struggled with addiction after falling with the wrong crowd at the age of 20. I was depressed and vonurable and allowed myself to fall into the peer pressure of everyone else is doing it. I didn’t want to feel like the odd man out with my so called friends. So I dabbled. It started with Molly then I quickly found cocaine. I continuesly was getting high and consuming way to much alcohol. It was the darkest time in my life. I made irreparable damage with my family. My relationship with my mom hung by a thread. I heald so much pain and resentment and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I had stop going to therapy and being treated for my issues. I was lost.
I have myself under control now, being sober from drugs for some years. One day, I decided to cut almost everyone out of my life. Except for one person. She had become someone I can call my sister. She has seen me at my darkest hour and never judged me. She pulled me out of that dark hole I had dug for myself. I’m grateful everyday that God put someone like her in my path.
But I’m always scared that I will fall back into that life. So I tend to be very careful about what I put in my body. I don’t drink to excess and to feel numb anymore. Now I just drink socially and on occasion.
We live in a society that addiction and mental health is not understood. There are still so many people who turn a blind eye when someone is in pain. They would rather pull away and disassociate from someone who is suffering rather than help or try and understand.
My entire life I’ve gone from one addiction to another. First was my addiction and obsession with being so thin I’d disappear. Next was drugs and alcohol.
I know we’ve all heard those depression campaigns saying that if you’re feeling depressed and suicidal to reach for help with those who love you. I did that and was ridiculed for it. I was always told “You’re young. What do you have to be depressed about?”
My parents divorced when I was 16 and I was blamed for itbfor so long, beong told thst since I wad daddy’s little girl i could change his mind. I was molested and raped more than once at such a young age. I had plenty of things in my past that lead to that depression. So, when I reached out and was made to feel stupid, I allowed myself to fall into that trap. I conffesed my first molestation that happened when I was 12 and noone wanted to believe me. I felt alone.
Today I fight everyday not to follow the same patterns as I once did. I’m on a mission to have a healthy life and I’m positive it will come. But I have to find patience, something I never learned to have. I’m hoping that by started this blog and having an outlet where I can just write all the things that have plagued my mind for so long, I can finally and truly start to heal. And if there is someone out there that is going through what I’ve gone through and this journey I’m on helps them, thats even better.
But I’m doing this for me. Not to find followers or to become famous. I’m doing this because I deserve to happy too. And why not document that progress?